dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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