Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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