god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
