she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
