im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
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No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
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She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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