So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
it was like eating out sand paper
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
