Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
