I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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