On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
