please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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