just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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