OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
