Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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