You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
