The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
