Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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