dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
