I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
