i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
