I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
