So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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