I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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