hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
