i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Is it because I queefed?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
