how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
