im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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