Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
