Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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