We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
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The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
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A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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