the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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