Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
