CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
