i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
