How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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