So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
