I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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