I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
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