she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
