i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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