Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
