had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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