It was confusing and full of hummus
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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