Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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