Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
