I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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