How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
