when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Randomize
