they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
