can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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