Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
