I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
