he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Still dying that you shit outside
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
you never un-have a 4some
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
