I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
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