Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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